I hope you will take a few minutes to read this and perhaps respond. In this age of consciously choosing to unplug from old paradigms (for example, the “heterosexual boyfriend/girlfriend, engagement, marriage, kids, love forever” box) it is important for me to be also conscious about how I use my language, how I label and categorize myself.
I have been thinking a lot about the Couples Evening at Paget and Philippe’s a few months ago. We got into a discussion about relationships versus the act of relating, among other things. The debate went on and on and although I enjoy a good debate, this one seemed to go around I circles. In having several conversations with both Paget and Sherry since that night, I think that even after the long debate, Liam and I were the only ones who walked away that evening with an understanding of what Liam and I wanted to communicate.
What I remember from that evening at Afthonia Abode: Philippe started us talking about some juicy conversations. The question arose “How would you describe your relationship?” Liam and I already had a history of communicating our desires to define our process as Relating” (verb; an action) as opposed to being in a Relationship (noun; a thing.) The conversation seemed to get stuck on two points once Liam and I rebelled against defining what we have:
1) The popular use of the word “relationship,” again, a noun and so a misnomer for labeling the Process/action of relating.
2) What defines a “relationship” (often a definition in of itself)? The more conservative world outside of our community has its own definitions of what ‘being in a relationship” means, so I was surprised at how adamant our circle of unconventional/progressive couples was around making sure that Liam and I might understand that we are in a “relationship.” Also, the argument that Relationship is some abstract Thing outside of me and outside of Liam. (this was my interpretation of some of what was being said to us.)
A question that I would be more interested in answering would be “how do you two relate?” – or – “What do you enjoy about relating with one another?” This leaves the label of “relationship” and its conscious and unconscious connotations out of the playing field and frees us up to talk about what works in the ways we relate, and not what we “have” or what we are “in.”
When I think of the word “relating” I think of a moving, flowing interaction that has the possibility of shifting and changing with time. When I think of the word “relationship” I think of a category (like “girlfriend,” “fiancé”,) a label; that when I say “I’m in A Relationship” makes it easy for another person tuck me into their category and file me away with all of their ideas and perceptions about what the label means for them.
I enjoy this part of what Mark Lewis, in his book Relation Dancing, has to say,
“ A ‘ship’ [as in relation’ship’] is a container that is designed to take a person from one place to another…the value of that ’ship’ is [often] measured by whether or not it gets the people to the destination in one piece or not…On the other hand the ‘dance’ [referring to ‘Relation Dancing’] is an experience that people participate in for the simple joy of participating….When we shift or understanding of relating from a ‘ship’ to a Dance, we fundamentally shift what becomes possible between human beings.”
I like this distinction between “relating” and being “in-a-relationship.” (speaking of dancing, Philippe used the metaphor of dance in the discussion as well, Id love to have more conversation about that piece as well.)
I’m making these points not to create a rule but as a way of setting an example for myself that says ‘I will not be tucked neatly into a box, that no matter how I define my experience to you, is gift-wrapped by what you unconsciously and consciously think a relationship is for you and/or should be for me” Liam and I have not banished Relationship from our vocabulary, but choose to use the word consciously.
Paget once told me that she appreciated Vipasana meditation because all you need is You (and maybe a cushion for your tush!) I like this model for relating as well. Just me and the person I am relating with in this moment, this breath…
