My Saturn return started exactly when I turned 29 last May 2008. A lover broke up with me suddenly, unexpectedly – the illogical and abrupt nature of the breakup hit my Adoption Button (aka: the “I’m Wrong” “I’m not enough” button) I imagine that when I was adopted I might have assessed that mommy “left me” because im Wrong, im not Enough; themes of mind chatter that have been with me for a long while. I couldn’t talk yet – so I didn’t let anyone in my adoptive family touch me for a month or so after the adoption. According to adopted Mom I literally wouldn’t let anyone touch me, for about a month…I was one year old at the time.

The Making of “Mamma Dragon”:

My memories of my Mom yelling at me and sometimes hitting me are memories that I see through my own eyes – associated – that is, I do not see these memories as if they were a movie being watched through the eyes of some disassociated onlooker.

In my memories of these encounters with my mother, I am Afraid, but calm…calm & taking it. As a very little girl experiencing my mothers rage, her dragons I made a decision to cultivate something within me more terrible than her. It is as if I resolved to myself “I will stand here and take this, Mother. But know that I am now creating something inestimably more fierce and horrible than you could ever be.” It was during my own formative years; maybe 2-12 years old that “Mamma Dragon”, the mother of all of feminine ferocity, my own expression of rage  was formed…

The summation of my 29^th year: a conscious and unconscious an exploration of my shadow.

I have created an environment for Mamma Dragon to come out and play – and I have surrounded myself with friends and loved ones who are dying to see her more often – who are willing to engage with her when it serves the moment and them and me – and who are discerning enough to know when to not engage with her – which actually gives me a lot more freedom to unleash her…

“safely” & consciously…

with the love of friends.

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