The inquiry continues…
“Stupid…”
The Prove I’m Smart & Playing Dumb mind-game.
“Stupid Idiot!” a name my mother yelled at me often growing up. (bless her heart) “Are you
stupid?” my third grade teacher asked me, probably more of a statement than a question.
In retrospect I now see the connection between feeling stupid & my obsession with straight-A’s in junior high onward. How many men have I dated have had genius or near genius IQs? – If I can acquire the love of an exceptionally smart man that must mean that I am not Stupid.
I win. I’m not Wrong. I’m Enough. (my subconscious writes “LOL!”)
So I’m role playing in an exercise where a fellow Coaching Program participant is asking me some questions. My role was to interrupt them to throw them off; “I don’t understand,” “wait, I’m confused,” “I don’t get it,” The role playing was FUN, pretending I’m a ditz. Somehow it all came so naturally…Hmmm. I heard these phrases come out of my mouth and wondered at their familiarity. Damn!, I DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!! Why do I play dumb?! I have no idea. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I’m confused. It doesn’t make any sense!…I have spent so much of my attention on making sure that I am perceived and evaluated and assessed as smart, well spoken – which leads to a, probably annoying, carefulness about the way I sometimes interact with the world and with you. All while my inner ditz plays dumb.
As long as women play dumb & small – I imagine the world will continue to treat us/me that way…
