My Relationship to my Worth…and what I Value
“Take a Chance You Stupid Ho.” read the back of a shirt I wore recently; the third monthly weekend of The Coaching Program. The shirt’s twisted writ was a perfect logo of my life this past year (Saturn Return, Baby!) It feels like I’m coming out of a dark (kind of deliciously dark) cave. Paget talked used the word “Lair” recently during one of our breakfasts together – She was right on
I have begun a deeper inquiry into my value.
“Take a Chance!”
“Brave, loud, on top of it, always makes it happen, makes it look so easy, always creating, social, inspiring…” Things that others have said to describe me.
This past year I have been paralyzed by fear in a way I have never quite experienced. An Identity Crisis. A fork in the Road. And what has felt like a fork in the spokes of what seemed to be a well working bike. This year I search for a new Lair. I dig down deeper and I plant my Garden a little bigger.
This year I make the surprisingly tortuous transition from offering my women’s workshops and circles and coaching for free, as a service to my communities – to actually charging money for them. Doing what I have been doing well for over 10 years – but Now doing it professionally… My logical mind says “that’s easy, what’s the problem?” – So? Then? Why have I not done it until now? – mind chatter that is up for me now…
(* I wrote this paragraph about three weeks ago – since then I have enough paying clients lined up to start several circles in the next two months)
I also recognize that the “brave, loud, social, always creating” Jessica are parts of a really gorgeous persona – One of the beautiful well crafted masks I wear. In my quest these past years to become a more deeply feeling woman I have striped and indentified layer after layer of Mask. Getting better at both taking them off and putting them on depending on what would serve the moment.
This time feels stark.
I have finaly stripped down to starkness; feeling naked a lot of the time this Me is a less gorgeous presentation to the world…
but perhaps more glorious….
