Throwing the baby in the garbage

rosie the mother jessica hadariMy response to a recent email I recieved from a Mamma friend of mine relaying that caring for her six month old baby was feeling really hard.

We’ve known each other for a while, so I enjoyed mixing in humor:

Well, I’m not sure it gets better everyday. More like, “it gets better every year.” With smaller easy/hard cycles that switcheroo every couple of days or weeks…or minutes:(

For me: I mostly wanted the throw my baby in the garbage and put the lid on for about the first two years. (though I wouldn’t trade those sweet just-nothing-quite-like-it nursing years for anything in the world)  

Then he started sleeping.

After that, I wanted to pull out my own hair and cry for the next few years of toddler poop on the walls and tantrums – Continue reading

Desconsos Part 5: “be holy, be wild, be irreverent…”

dragonshighThe Value of experiencing my whore archetype. – not necessarily related to sex, but more around my value, my worth…

2008 was my year to get messy, to royally mess up, to be way out of integrity.

*Cup half full: It has been such a relief to stop MANAGING; Always adamant about getting complete, cleaning up, avoiding conflict, making nice.  – my friends have been begging for my bitch, my messiness, and more recently to let out Mamma Dragon – my rage, outside of the workshop setting (participating or leading)… Continue reading

Relationship to Accountability

My response to Bryan Franklin’s Facebook post: “how are you Accountable?”

My 1st Response:

Jessica Hadari at 9:53pm June 1

Level 1: though I shy away from “woo-woo”: when shayen was diagnosed as terminal when first born, I unlayered a deep knowing (doesn’t matter if it’s true ['cause it is]) that that he chose his life before he got here, and that if he died that would have been perfect too – and that I too chose this life and everything in it before I got here: humans on a spiritual journey. Spirits on a human journey… Continue reading

Desconsos Part 4: As long as women play Dumb

The inquiry continues…

“Stupid…”

The Prove I’m Smart  & Playing Dumb mind-game.

“Stupid Idiot!” a name my mother yelled at me often growing up. (bless her heart) “Are you

stupid?”  my third grade teacher asked me, probably more of a statement than a question. Continue reading

Desconsos Part 3: Take a Chance…

“…one learns that we need not fear (these) initiations, these times of breaking apart. The soul cannot grow or change without them. What the human ego or the human body experience as traumas, the soul instantly recognizes as opportunities to shed what is no longer needed. When the heart is broken, the soul is released from its prior constellations. It begins the ancient process of dissolution, dismemberment, and new life. The soul rushes toward rebirth…”
Kimberley Patton
beyondthenight jessica hadari

My Relationship to my Worth…and what I Value

“Take a Chance You Stupid Ho.” read the back of a shirt I wore recently Continue reading

Descansos Part 2: Weather or Not to be Bitter

“There is a time in our lives, usually midlife, when a woman has to make a decision – Possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life – about whether to be bitter or not…”
- Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., Women Who Run with the Wolves
fork-in-the-road jessica hadari

Whether to be bitter or not:

Until recently I had a Jessica-in-a-chokehold belief that I should never partner or become a parent ever again, due to my expression of anger and how it showed up in my marriage and in my parenting. Continue reading

Descansos Part 1: Marking the Small & Big Deaths

grief jessica hadari Descansos: Resting places. Symbols that mark a death…

A few weeks ago (around the same time a woman in my women’s circle was diagnosed with cancer) my women’s circle began the Descansos process, taken from the book Women Who Run with the Wolves. In this process I took the time (several weeks, in this case) to look at the time-line of my life birth to now and mark where the small deaths and big deaths have taken place; All of the moments in my life where I experienced impact;

Or loss;

Or where there was a fork in the road and I took one path, when I could have taken another;

Or where I experienced an event which changed the way I thought/believed about myself, the world, about men, about women… Continue reading

Mamma Dragon

dragon jessica hadari

My Saturn return started exactly when I turned 29 last May 2008. A lover broke up with me suddenly, unexpectedly – the illogical and abrupt nature of the breakup hit my Adoption Button (aka: the “I’m Wrong” “I’m not enough” button) I imagine that when I was adopted I might have assessed that mommy “left me” because im Wrong, im not Enough; themes of mind chatter that have been with me for a long while. I couldn’t talk yet – so I didn’t let anyone in my adoptive family touch me for a month or so after the adoption. According to adopted Mom I literally wouldn’t let anyone touch me, for about a month…I was one year old at the time. Continue reading